Buzz Words

1. Buzz Words:  The real meaning of popular public sector management buzz words.

"Value for Money" - hiding massive wasted expenditures in a cavalcade of positive sounding expense and audit reports that no one reads.

"Off Balance Sheet" - a written record of a senior manager's yelling, screaming and utterly irrational behaviour toward junior staff.

"Free Balance" - retired people slowly regaining their mental health.

"Zero Balance" - death.

"Innovation" - implementation of information technology and management standard operating procedures that have been current in the private sector for up to two decades, while pretending that what you are doing is not only new, but you invented it (e.g. see Al Gore and the Internet.)

"Change Management" - paying someone to tell you that you should do what you already planned to do, specifically to make what you plan to do look intelligent, so as to avoid the "change management" that you really fear...a.k.a. you get canned.

"Change" - the status quo expressed in different language so as to sound like something completely different and better.

"Transformational Change" - the change that actually changes.

"New Public Management" - paying private contractors 300% more than you pay civil servants to do half the work, badly, where the private contractors in question are all former civil servants.

"Conflict of Interest" - not pulling the trigger on an investment opportunity that you learn about as part of your work...at least until you are convinced that you can really make a killing.

"Speaking Truth To Power" - staying quiet, or outright lying to senior officials in order to preserve your career prospects.

2. The Future:  New words that may soon become standard government management lingo.

"Strategic Blamework" - planning in advance to find fault with others while escaping blame yourself for a job you know will be done badly.

"Cleverage" - getting leverage with one's boss by wearing low cut, or especially revealing attire.

"Surgifiller" - being assigned to fill a position as part of the implementation of a surge capacity strategy, as in "Hey honey, I am now surgifiller and I now have to work massive overtime!"

"Incentimuddle" - paying people extra for performing at a mediocre level.

"Mystcounting" - making up budget numbers.

"Sinergies" - exploring opportunities for illicit encounters with work mates.

"Browned Table" - opportunity at the end of every normal meeting for the sycophants to suck up to the boss.

Finally, to be heard at the end of one of a million, mandatory team-building exercises in any bureaucracy in the English-speaking world...

"There is no 'i' in 'team'...but there is a 'you' in 'fu^& you'!"

Yes, I had a bad day.