Revolution Denial

Playboy Magazine To Stop Publishing Fully Nude Female Photos in an Effort to Lead the Repression Revolution!

Posted: 10/13/2015 6:41 am EDT Updated: 1 hour ago 

NEW YORK-- Playboy magazine will no longer publish photos of nude women as part of a redesign of the decades-old magazine, according to a news report Monday. Executives for the magazine company told The New York Times that the change will take place in March 2016. The paper reported that the print edition of Playboy will still feature women in conservative poses, well-covered to defeat any sexual provocation, and they will most definitely not be nude.

Playboy editor Cory "Praise the Lord!" Jones contacted founder and current editor in chief Hugh Hefner recently about dropping nude photos from the print edition and he agreed, the Times reported.  

Said Hefner, "Now that I have reached the twilight years, and my penis had finally faded in a Cialis-encrusted decline, I have had time to reflect on my life.  It is clear to me that I have made a grave error spending that last seven decades having sexual intercourse with literally thousands of gorgeous young women, while spending time in the company of the most famous and powerful people in the world.  I look at myself in the mirror these days, and say 'Shame on you Hef you masher...shame on you for all that sex you had with all of those gorgeous young women, and shame on you for enjoying all that fame and making all that money from what?  From sex!!'.  I was a leader of the sexual revolution, who coasted on a wave of sex, fame and money literally for decades.  I now know that was wrong...wrong, wrong, wrong!!!  We need to return to a more repressed age, when sex was something you had within the bounds of marriage, for the sole purpose of procreation.  Amen, and pass the saltpeter!"

The change represents a major shift for the magazine, which featured Marilyn Monroe on its debut cover in 1953.  But technology has overtaken the formula. "You're now one click away from every sex act imaginable for free. And so it's just awful what we have wrought,'' said Scott "Eunuch" Flanders, the company's chief executive. "We recently had a read-in and book study at the Grotto, where Hef enunciated on his errors, and lead us in a reading of 'The Turn of the Screw', emphasizing the terrible price to pay for sexual freedom. Let the Repression Revolution begin!"

The Times reported that playboy's print circulation, once measured in millions, is now about 800,000, according to Alliance for Audited Media.  Said Hefner, "Look, the largest selling book in history is the Bible.  OK - we get it.  Breasts are out; the 10 Commandments are in.  Praise the Lord and pass the chastity belts!"

Previous efforts to revamp Playboy have never quite stuck.  But this time, as the magazine seeks to compete with younger outlets, Flanders said it sought to answer a key question: "if you take nudity out, what's left? Well, sexual repression and denial, that's what left! Get me my hair shirt!''